Have been thinking.. a lot...

Assalamualaikum wbt...

Nisfu Sya'aban made me think a lot... I thought about soo many things.... and at one moment I stopped and my heart just skipped a beat... I scared myself... If you ask me, do I like myself now...? I do but i need more improvements... especially in Allah's view on me...

"Ya Allah.. berikan aku pengampunanMu.."

I held onto my tasbih... pearly white in colour... Suddenly, I saw my past and all the things that I have done... A breath of Istighfar and a tear dropped onto my long skirt... My fingers kept on counting the dzikir and I could feel a heavy lump of sadness inside my heart... I couldn't feel that the tasbih I was holding was enough for the countless pengampunan ku ingin dariNya...

"Astaghfirullah-hal 'aziim....."

I shivered... Scared that the next bead on my tasbih would be my last dzikir... I kept on thinking about death...

"Dekatkanlah aku padaMu, Ya Allah....."

After a while, I felt calmer... Alhamdulillah.... I sat staring at the tasbih... What do I want in this life and after? I raised my hand and in my heart I prayed... There are soo many things that crossed my mind... Allah Maha Mengetahui.... Allah Maha Mendengar.... Allah Maha Melihat.... Faces of people came across my mind and may Allah shower them with His Blessings... amiin...

Then I sat down looking at the computer... 'tomorrow I can't fast..' a muslim woman at that time of the month... Another lump of sadness squeezed my heart... Frustrated? I believe in Allah's qada' & qadar... Izzah redha... Things happen.. and they happen for a reason... Allah Knows exactly what's best for me...

Me, Saya, Ana : Nisfu Sya'aban.... Mudah2an Allah memberi petunjuk dan hidayahNya kepadaku akan segala persoalan yg kian bersarang di benakku...